Hiel-o Art Vurlt!

happy hitler

Vell, I’m back from ze det unt I’ve taken up posting on art blogs. Anyvon who knows me knows zat I love ze art! So, I saw zis article http://www.houstoniamag.com/arts-and-entertainment/on-the-town/articles/the-five-people-you-see-at-an-exhibition-opening-october-2013 unt zen I saw another article about ze article http://glasstire.com/2013/10/28/laura-larks-field-guide/ unt zen I basically wrote an article about zose articles unt pasted as an article! Isn’t art cool? Here is vat I zaid:

I know vat you are zinking. You are zinking “Oh no, Adolf cannot pozibly have anyzing gut to contribute to ze art vurlt.” Zis ist not true!!! I have plenty of zings to say about art! This is vhy I am back from ze det! Yet I feel that I shoot clarify a vew of ze mizaprehenzions about meinself beforehand.

Yez, I am responsible for the death of millions of people but it vas an accident! I vas at an important meeting viz all of ze movers unt der shakers of mein day unt ve vere eating frankenkraunzenbrenvinbrillers undt talking politics. I vas listening to Her Goring prattle on about zis unt zat and I took a drink of mien juice to vash down a bite of strudel. The juize was vile! It vas rotten! It was the most horrible, disgusting juize zat I hat ever hat in mein life and I haf very sensitive bowels unt zer is nozing more destructive for weak bowels zen rotten juize! It vas gagging on ze juice and ze strudel unt so I slammed my hand down on ze table und screamed out “Ve must get rid of ze juize!! It will invade und destroy mein colon!”

Before I knew it, six million Jews ver dead and ve had invaded Poland. I vill never talk viz mien mouth full again! Voops!

Now, I haf plenty to say about zis article but I vant to tell you a little bit about mien art background for those who are not vamiliar. I feel zat I have never been given credit for mien art! People point to mein dravings und mein vatercolors und zey say zat zis ist mein art. Nien! Zey ver only ze beginning!

Mein Early Art

I created the largest artist group in ze vorld! Ve vere very ahead of our time! We created art on all levels! Architecture! I redesigned ze Berlin!

Fashion! Have you ever seen our uniforms? Can you say ze vort”fabulous”?

Graphic Dezign! Talk about brand recognition!

Zer Performance Art! We did large performance art pieces viz marching soldiers und ze cheering people und hand waves!

Graffiti! Ve put Banksy to shame! “Oh, look at me I am ze Banksy unt I hung one of mein paintings in ze art museum wizout ze permission cause I am so cool”. Dummkopf! I emptied entire museums and hung whatever I wanted on the valls vizout permizion!

You zink you invented ze anti-advertising graffiti? Are you kitting? No one did anti-advertising graffiti like I did! Ve shut down entire stores unt spraypainted on ze INSIDE walls.

Video Art! Ve had a whole team of people vorking on making video art about our art project.

Curating! Ve filled museums! Ve picked art from here unt zer unt promoted ze artists zat ve liked.

Ve had artistic vision unt taste! People say “oh, ze NAZI’s were just rich people pushing their artistic taste on everyone else and manipulating ze art vorld. Do you zink ze art market iz different today?  Ve vere all about ze art! Ze Zird Reich was ze vorlds largest art movement! It vas all about making our artistic vision a reality! Ze NAZI party vas the vorld’s largest art group!  NAZI stands for Naturalist Artists Zeroing In. Ze truz zat people fail to realize is zat I vas ze vorlds most famous artist!!!

Now, let me comment on ze article. You zaid “I had to ask myself—why did this post prompt me to dust off the keyboard? Then I realized: I love lists! I love categories! I love breaking things down systematically. It lulls me into the comforting thought that there can possibly be order amidst all of the chaos.” I know exactly vat you mean!! Ze vorld needs ORDER!! Do you zenze a connection? You know I am zingle now right? Zorry Eva but Marriage ist only “til death do we part” unt I vant you to know zat I like long valks on ze beach viz mein hund und ze zee thru leiderhosen.

I really like vat Michael Hardy zaid in his article about ze hipsters. “Hipsters have plenty of time to attend exhibition openings since they are either collecting unemployment, working part-time at Half Price Books, or enrolled in a master’s program in an esoteric subject with no job prospects. Although ostensibly there for the art, hipsters can usually be found smoking outside the gallery, often in the company of other hipsters. (Like hyenas, hipsters travel in packs.) They can be spotted by their weather-inappropriate clothing—knit caps and sweaters in the summertime, jean shorts and t-shirts in the winter—and their vintage glasses. Do not ask a hipster what he thinks of the art, as you are likely to receive a string of Frankfurt School platitudes punctuated with references to abstruse theorists the hipster has never actually read and hopes you haven’t either. ” He is totally right!! Vy don’t ze hipsters get a job?!! Unt cut zer hair! Unt grow a mustache! A tiny little mustache zat fits under zer nose.

Zos dirty hipsters! Zey are a plague on our galleriez! I have to push zrou zoze dirty cigarette smoking hipsters just to get into ze gallery unt zey are alvays in mein vay standing inbetween me unt ze art. Ze art vorld needs more lebensraum!!!! Zose degenerate artists! If there is any purpose in art criticism… If art writing is to have any meaning at all it must destroy ze career of ze young artists! Michael Hardy is completely right! Zose dirty, disgusting, lazy, unemployed, artists are a burden to all of society! Vat is vorst, I don’t even know who is a hipster most of ze time! It is so hart to tell who ist unt hipster! Vy don’t zey wear name tags or somezing or get tattoos zat say “hipster” so zat ve know zat zey are hipsters?

You wrote: “One would think that creative types could dream up a fundraising solution other than the tired art auction to convince folks who consume culture that they might want to support it. Apparently, one should think again.” Ve can come up viz a solution! Ve need a solution zat vil zolve ze problem once and for all. A zort of… final zolution. Perhaps ze problem iz zat ze hipsters are asked to contribute little zings here unt zere unt zey keep asking because ze hipsters don’t do anyzing BIG zat makes people feel like “wooow, zose artists alrety really did a lot for ze charity” unt zen zey vouldn’t ask ze artists to do anyzing elze. All ze hipsters in ze vorld could go to zpecial artist residency vork camps unt vork togezer on ze same project in order to make ze vorld a better plaze. Ve could zend zem in ze trains in order to keep down ze costs und zen maybe zose hipsters can pay back ze zociety und if they all work really hart on the zame art project together zen it will seem like they haf done so much so zat people won’t go to zem and ask zem “can I have von of your paintings for free for mien auction”?

You vrote “I once saw a kid jump up and down while smacking at an unframed drawing on a gallery wall. When the parents were asked to make him stop, the mother—an artist—said, “It’s not a good drawing!”” Amazing! Wow! Zis kinde is unt art critic after mien own heart! Zis child should be asked to collaborate viz ze Michael Hardy so zo zey can really give zos stinky degenerate hipsters vat is coming to zem! Vell, anyway, I’ve come here to ze Texaz to have my ghost retirement unt if you see me around don’t be afraid to zay hiel-o.

 

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